Parents and their roll in their children’s sports experiences is very a very interesting study. I like to look at it as most people are normal calm people that would never fight or argue with other people, but for 2 hours a week are crazy lunatics that think that their kids’ games are life or death. Not to brag but to show you my breadth of experience I will share my youth sports experience. I have coached 21 years (seasons). I have coached football, tee-ball, softball and basketball. I tried to count once and estimated that I have had over five-hundred different kids on my teams throughout the years. That’s about 500 moms and dads and several other grandmas and grandpas, crazy uncles and many other family members. I will detail the experience I’ve had with parents specifically. Just when I think I’ve met with every type of dad or mom, I get surprised so no doubt I haven’t met them all yet. My list isn’t to be all incisive or offensive. I don’t mean to hurt feelings. I do however hope that I help some soon to be soccer mom, or football dad to behave themselves in a way that will make their kid happy that their parents came. I was thinking of writing this for a long time. I had always shied away. Last week when I was on the sidelines with one of my football teams I had a kid come up to me and stand a little closer than normal. I started to pay attention a little better and could hear his Mother just yelling. She was yelling at me, yelling at the kid and at her husband, who was standing clear at the other end of the stands. I looked at this poor kid and smiled and put my hand on his shoulder pad. He said “Sorry coach, I won’t let my mom come to anymore games”. I was sad. It was a tough situation. She was embarrassing her kid and showing some awful behavior. Soon she was sitting alone because no one wanted to be by her. Pretty sad, and if you asked her, I’m sure she thought she was defending and encouraging her son to play better, or for the evil coaches to play him more. For the love of a child she lost her mind. So with that said I will try to classify each type of parent that I’ve had on my teams, however I understand their motivation is love. Love for their kid and the desire that their kid be good in sports and enjoy the game. These are generalizations so some folks over the years have qualified for many groups. Don’t be offended just figure out which one you are in and make sure you are behaving yourself.
Group 1: Future Father’s of a Professional Sports Star
This by far is the largest group. Every team at every level has this dad. One year I think I had about 20 of them on my football team. These guys are the myopic dreamers that get upset quickly at the coach. The coach is the enemy. The coach is who these guys blame all failures on. The coach is the problem. To be this guy you only have to remember one thing: It’s never the kid’s fault all failures are the coach’s fault. One of my first years as a head football coach I had a flag team; 12 six and seven year olds. In this league you didn’t get to pick any of your players. You only got one or two plus your son so that you could pick some assistant coaches. So this particularly little kid was assigned to our team. He had never played before. The first practice the Dad came up to me and wanted to coach. I told him I was all set and that I had my coaches for a while now and we were fine, but thanks. He said “Well my son is your Quarterback.” I kind of laughed inside and wondered if I had his kid and him mismatched. His son was slow and not too knowledgeable of the game. In flag football it’s all about speed at that level and so I picked the faster older kid as my quarterback and moved on. After every game, which we won six that year and only lost one, this dad would come up and belittle me in front of my son (not the quarterback, by the way) about how dumb I must be to not have his son as the quarterback. His son was six.
I have at least two or so of these dads each year. Most want to play quarterback or point guard. I think all of us have this in us a little. I think we all want our kids to be popular, successful and happy. However we need to recognize and be honest with ourselves about how good these kids are. I always tell parents, If your kid is going to play one day in professional sports, I can’t screw that up. Just because I don’t play your kid at Quarterback in flag football at eight years old, doesn’t mean his development is stunted and he won’t make the NFL. Matt Leinardt the NFL Quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner was an offensive lineman all through Pop Warner and wasn’t a quarterback until high school. This type of Parent’s behavior includes at best some speaking with the coach about positions and playing time, just annoyances, but at worst it can be yelling from the stands at the coach, bad mouthing the coach to the player and other parents and making their son quit because of the rotten coach. These to me are the worst kind of parents because they can’t see the truth right in front of them. There are dads that never help the kid out, never play catch with the kid and then show up once in a while to watch a game and wonder why their kid isn’t out there ready for the pros. Sad really. The only way to curb your behavior on this is to try to see it from the coach’s perspective. Try to attend practice see what the coaches are doing. See how your kid does in drills, sprints and other things during practice. Try to see your kid for who he is.
Group 2: The Mom that Questions Everything
This is the second largest group and probably has a lot of crossover with group one. This parent never is happy with anything the team or the coaches do. They need everything explained to them. Their favorite word is “Why” and favorite sentence is “That makes no sense to me”. I always have a hard time with these parents. Why question things? I don’t get it. I had a dad like this the year I coached my first tackle team. He attended every practice, and every game. He showed up early and stayed late. A very good father as far as I could observe. He and his son never were late and never missed anything. But without fail he’d catch me on a break at practice and say “Hey Ben, Why did you run that drill?” or “Hey Ben, why do you have that kid at line backer?” or “Hey Ben, Why is our game at 8:00 AM?” At first I was polite and would explain things but after a while I wanted to punch him. I would just give a curt answer and move on. By the end of the year I was done explaining and would avoid him. I was glad when they moved on to another team. I have at least one of these every year. I guess they just don’t understand, or want to know things that are unclear. I have no idea. Maybe other parents just are more accepting. The problem I have is the judgmental tone to the questioning. Like “why would you do that when it’s so obvious that you should do it the other way”; it’s crazy. I think they are really Dads or Moms that think their kid should be playing somewhere else, playing more or that the coach is a problem, that are just nicer and try to be civil about it. I don’t mind answering questions but there is a big difference between asking a question and questioning a coach.
Group 3: Who are you?
This is a group of dads and moms that think Youth Sports is a babysitting service. As my boys get older I kind of like these parents. But when they were young they made me nervous. Every year there are a couple of parents who I meet at the team meeting and never see again until the team party. I’m like “Who’s that guy?” and someone will say that Jason’s Dad. I had no idea. The problem with this guy is when he wants to come up and tell me what I’m doing wrong as a coach. That’s a problem for me. I had a dad that his son was one of our better players. He was a joy to coach and all of us really liked the kid. He was a funny kid and always wanted to do his best. I knew his Mom well and his step-dad was a great asset to our team. I had seen his dad at a few games but had never spoken to him or had never seen him at a practice. However after a game that we got beaten pretty badly, he came up and loudly with anger wanted to discuss the game. I was already at a boiling point because we had just been beaten and so it wasn’t going to be a productive conversation. I was lucky that one of my assistants was standing there. This assistant coach said “Sir, how in the H*** would you know?” The Dad looked befuddled for a second, and then said “What do you mean?” I said “How many practices have you been to see your son play or practice?” He then came up with about 200 excuses as to why he was too important to come to a practice. So I said if you can’t come to practice to see how your son prepares then you can’t complain about how we use him. It ended the conversation. But these parents are still very dangerous. I do believe that though. If you can’t come to practice and just drop of your kid, then keep your mouth shut on game day.
Group 4: Silent but bitter
This group I don’t mind much. However once in a while they can be a problem. They are the ones that come to most things, practices games, parties, etc. but don’t say anything. They aren’t really friendly, they don’t complain and they don’t have other friends on the team. They just kind of trudge through the season. You can tell that they don’t enjoy it but I have learned not to ask. Once I did. This mom was a single parent and had a couple of kids. Her oldest was on our team and he was a good little player. He didn’t miss ever and was had a good attitude. His mom would come and sit in her chair and watch practice very closely. She wouldn’t smile and when I said “Hi” or “How’s it going?” she’d ignore me or give a one word answer with no eye contact. I just thought she hated me or something and so I asked her one day if I had offended her or if she was mad at us about something. She looked at the ground and said that it wasn’t us. She then went on for about twenty minutes about how she hated men and how she hated football and we were crazy for liking it and how she wished her son would want to quit. I guess her ex husband loved football and she blamed it for all the marital problems. I was glad that it wasn’t us but I was sorry I asked. I felt so depressed after her preaching that I almost hung up my whistle. Another Mom was very similar. I asked her if everything was OK and she said that she hated one of my assistants because he yelled too much. She then spent a half an hour telling me how unhealthy it was to yell at kids and how her son was so devastated when we yelled. Yet she and her son showed up to practice the next night. So were we guilty of abuse or was she guilty of neglect. If we were so awful why do you keep sending your kid? I’ve learned to just assume the best; that these types of folks just have other stuff on their mind and let them come to me if there is really an issue.
Group 5: Helpful to a flaw
This group is fine. Nothing negative to say. They are just really really helpful. I think they wish they could coach. I get a few of these each year and usually their kids are the worst players on the team. Nothing wrong with that. I need players some are good some aren’t all are welcome. I just find it entertaining when we see one of these go-getter dads. I know within two minutes of talking to the dad if the kid will be a player or not. Usually the dad wasn’t a great player and loved the game so he wants his son to be better than he was. So he asks if he can help. Can I get this or can I coach or can I do that? Its something we need so I usually use them where I can. Sometimes though, they ask to do things that we either don’t need or already have someone doing. It’s sad when I have to tell them no because I know their intentions are only positive. Rarely do any of these types of parents complain or cause any problems. This group is great, they help and they are free entertainment.
Group 6: Out of Sight and Out of Mind
This group is the kind I never know. They drop off their kid, the kid plays and they show up at the end. I never hear from them or never even see them. I kind of forget about them. They either think that we are a great babysitting service or that their kid is fine on his own and we are good dudes. I guess both are true. This is a good group until you have an issue like their kid gets hurt and you call them by the wrong name, or when you need parent volunteers. Generally speaking I have no problem with them as I know folks are busy and have more than one place to be most nights.
Group 7: Rare as a Diamond – The Perfect Parent
Never had anyone in this group. Neither has my son’s coach on the team I’m not part of :). I’m by far not the perfect parent. But if there was such a beast here are some attributes:
1. Always on time to everything. Coaches worry when people are late Even the worst player on the team. They’ve worked hard with that kid all week and want them to have success on game day, practice or even smile for the picture
2. Always sell stuff. Fundraisers are the lifeblood to youth sports. Even High Schools have to sell stuff now. I’m not saying sell everything 100 times better but do what you’re asked and then be sure you turn it in on time
3. Time and a Place: there is a time and a place for everything. I’m never gonna say you can’t complain. But there is a time and a place. Please use them. Coaches never want a parent to talk to them after a practice or a game. Email or a text is better. It allows them to answer on their own time. Some coaches would rather talk on the phone. So find out which is better for your coach.
4. Attend with the kids. If the kids go somewhere, go with them if you can. The coach will feel the support just by you showing up. And be friendly with the coach. Remember generally he’s just a dad that had the desire to coach
5. Cheer for everyone. I hate it when dads only cheer for their kid. I see it every year. They don’t even know the other kids’ names because their kid is the only one that matters. While it’s ok to cheer a little louder for your own kid it won’t hurt to learn a few of the other kid’s names and cheer them on. It will show everyone you are about the team, and most of all it will show your kid.
Conclusion
I only bring this up to help a few. I really love youth sports with all of its crazy dads, upset Mom’s and bratty spoiled kids. There is way more “good” in youth sports than there is bad. One of the best kids I ever coach had the worst dad. The kid loved the team, he loved his coaches and he just loved to play football. One day his Dad was really yelling at the coaches. I heard some new words I had never heard about our combined intelligence. It was really starting to get embarrassing. I was about ready to go over and say something to him when I noticed the kid was there talking to his dad. The dad walked away, very sullen, and sat in a chair next to his wife. His wife got up and moved. Soon the other parents moved and the dad sat there the rest of the game by himself. I asked the little 10 year old after the game what he said. He told me he said: “Dad I love to play football, I love these coaches, I love everything about it. I am sorry you hate it so much. If you want we can go home now and I won’t come back”. He said his dad apologized and walked off. I would hate for my son to say anything close to this.
